Because of the e-mails I have received in reply to my reflection, the issue of loneliness has not yet left my mind. I might have to clarify, although I thought I was pretty clear, that I don't struggle with the issue as much right now. I am not saying that it won't pop-up again in the future since past demons always have a way of haunting you down. But as off now, outside of the health struggle i mentioned I do not really struggle with it very much.
Now this does not mean I don't miss people. I do miss people, however, I am very thankful for the place I find myself right now and very thankful for the people that I have around me here. I am in Metro Manila so I darn better live in Metro Manila and not in Canada, Holland, India, UK, US or any other place. Sure my mind strays back to each one of those places regularly and fond memories come up frequently. But, if I spend all my time thinking, remembering times that were, I believe I am taking very scare opportunity of that which I have been given now. I believe it is possible to miss certain things and at the same time be very thankful for where I am and what I have right now.
Besides the obvious close friends and family, and at this very moment a strong craving for my mum's home-baked pizza, there are two other things i miss that come to my mind.
One thing that I miss and one of the reasons why I am thankful that I am here longer then a few months is that I miss the ability to have conversations with close friends and family that I know for longer than 4 months. As someone who has moved around a lot off late this is one of the hardest parts. Not the making of new friends or adjusting to different cultural changes, but the fact that when you have conversations even with people that are close to you, there is very little shared background. There is a need to explain many things. I don't have to tell my brothers how my teenage years were. I don't have to give an explanation to my college roomies when I am grumpy when I am not feeling well. I guess the solution is to work on that shared memory bank right now so that in the future more will be known.
The second thing, and this one only became apparent to me after reading something by the great Henri Nouwen, is the lack of touch. Being here, I know that I have to be pretty careful in who and how I touch other persons. Therefore, in many ways you avoid anyting that might be taken the wrong way. This has made me come to realize that I am a very 'touchy' person. The leaning on guys when we are fooling around, the comforting someone after bad news, the strong hug you give a dear friend. There are studies out there that show that baby's when they are put in a crib automatically role to the side out of need for touch - I would not be surprised if there is some truth to that. Nouwen says that we all long to touch and be touched, but after we move out of childhood we loose the foolishness to admit it.
But, I want to get back and finish with the reason why i wrote this piece. The reason why I think that I to a large extent experience a lot less of loneliness now then I used to. I think the change came not when I decided that I didn't care anymore what others thought of me. But at the moment it became clear to me that living a life of pretension: of being a better, a more perfect person than I am, was too high a price (included in here among many other things is loneliness) to pay for whatever negativity might otherwise come my way.
For I do care what other people think of me and my actions and believe that we should do so. Sure, people whose main goal is to cut you down should probably not be given much of your attention or energy. But those who give sincere comments on your actions/thoughts, especially if not complimentary, are some of the most treasured people one could ever meet. To my stark surprise at the time, opening up my dark chambers did not lead to much negativity. Indeed the opposite happened, I felt a stronger more sincere love then I had ever felt. These people now knew my aches and the fact that I am an ass at times and they still loved me. I think it has helped me to reconcile with myself while leading to friendships that are strong enough to overcome any physical distance as well as many of the loneliness feelings i might have.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Thursday, January 15, 2009
When you need to go real bad...
Since I am aware that my last post was rather heavy and I do not want to alienate my more light-hearted readers...I decided to follow it up with a funny story. I intend to have the blog be good mix of events and work-related stories, deeper reflections and more light-hearted stories.
So...okay here is the situation...from pretty early on in my time here I was fascinated by the amount of urinals all over the city. I know not really the thing most people would get fascinated about, but after having inspected the use over the first 4 months I have concluded that in general they are probably a welcome addition to the urban landscape. Because lets be real what is the alternative, men using the first tree, lamppost or wall in sight? It seems to me that it is better for it to all be collected at one spot, even though they leak and create quite the aroma around them.
My fascination though is not as much with the urinals and their wonderful colour, but more about their location. Now I don’t think I am the most self-conscious person, but I am well aware that the next time I am not being noticed, in some manner, when walking the street will be the first one. So naturally I would have to go... real...and I mean real bad... for me to take a leak in a semi-open urinal in the middle of a metropolitan area of over 15 million people. But, it gets even better...I took this picture from the web and it was the best I could find, but I think you will get the picture. On the right top you see something that resembles a staircase. Well guess what they actually are staircases. This particular one is a footbridge that will take you across EDSA – probably the busiest road in the Metro. I don’t know who came up with the great idea to place a public urinal right next to a footbridge that is used by hundreds of people every hour, but it seems to me there might be better locations. Now, I like I said I do not think I am the most self-conscious person around, but I can assure you that I would not be able to get a single drip to come out.
So...okay here is the situation...from pretty early on in my time here I was fascinated by the amount of urinals all over the city. I know not really the thing most people would get fascinated about, but after having inspected the use over the first 4 months I have concluded that in general they are probably a welcome addition to the urban landscape. Because lets be real what is the alternative, men using the first tree, lamppost or wall in sight? It seems to me that it is better for it to all be collected at one spot, even though they leak and create quite the aroma around them.
My fascination though is not as much with the urinals and their wonderful colour, but more about their location. Now I don’t think I am the most self-conscious person, but I am well aware that the next time I am not being noticed, in some manner, when walking the street will be the first one. So naturally I would have to go... real...and I mean real bad... for me to take a leak in a semi-open urinal in the middle of a metropolitan area of over 15 million people. But, it gets even better...I took this picture from the web and it was the best I could find, but I think you will get the picture. On the right top you see something that resembles a staircase. Well guess what they actually are staircases. This particular one is a footbridge that will take you across EDSA – probably the busiest road in the Metro. I don’t know who came up with the great idea to place a public urinal right next to a footbridge that is used by hundreds of people every hour, but it seems to me there might be better locations. Now, I like I said I do not think I am the most self-conscious person around, but I can assure you that I would not be able to get a single drip to come out.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
The Ache of loneliness
For I know that the logic of some will say ‘oh since he is writing about loneliness, he must be lonely’ – let me start of by saying I am not lonely or at least I am currently not lonely. However, over the years I have experienced various periods at which loneliness ate away at the very core of my being. In addition, when I take a peek into the world around me I see that I am not alone in my loneliness. With time I have become more and more convinced that loneliness is the Great Silent Killer. That it is one of the greatest enemies of the soul.
During my teenage years a deep desire for belonging was the main reason behind my obsessive depressive behaviour, my body image issues and my bouts of depression. I also remember elongating a relationship, even though my heart and mind knew that it was the right thing to end it, merely because I knew that she cared for me. One of the current struggles of my loneliness is put into words very well by Flannery O’Connor, “I have never been anywhere but sick. In a sense sickness is a place, more instructive than a long trip to Europe, and it is always a place where there is no company, where NOBODY can follow.”
But I have become aware that loneliness like love is very much a universal phenomenon. Indeed it often rears its head in the place we least expect it. It might affect people in different ways, but it seems not to discriminate with regards to age, wealth or status.
One thing about my childhood that I take some pride in is that I never really actively took part in the bullying of others (admittedly I often didn’t do much to stop it either). For there are so many children who fear going to school because of what awaits them there. At the other end of the spectrum, and especially in the West, there are so many elderly in old people’s homes who sit in chairs staring at the window in the hope that today might be the day that someone will come and visit them.
But it is not merely those at the ends of the lifecycle who cry for love and care. Indeed it seems to me that a large part of society is desperately crying for someone to love them. Loneliness is one of the major causes of suicide, and here again it does not seem to differentiate between one’s social stature. You hear of people who have dogs as their best, and sometimes only, friend. You see people rushing into marriage out of a desperate desire for a life partner.
Modern times seem to even aggravate the problem. The break-up of the family has led many to become like orphans. Chat rooms on the internet are full with many looking for some kind of companionship. And what of the social network sites, I see people claiming hundreds of friends, but not a single one of them knows them knows the corners of their heart.
What of the Christian community – they who call every second person they meet brother/sister. But how can this be, does my brother not know my aches and secrets? Listen to the words that a Wheaton (well respected Christian college)student left on a piece of paper after his class had ended,
Out in the cold I stand,
Looking on at the world sitting tight,
With its people in their nice little worlds,
And the friends who don’t even know me.
It really makes no difference to their world where I am.
If I'm there, it keeps going.
If I’m not, it goes on.
While I walk around, wandering, wondering,
My mind a mass of mixed-up machinery,
Clashing with conflicts and unanswered questions.
I don’t ask the world if it is real-
It sits up there on its foundations,
Secure, concrete, hard, stone and real.
But maybe I’m not real
Or if I am, maybe I shouldn’t be.
They answer, ‘Smile, God loves you’,
But I can’t smile.
I’m numbed by cold inside and out.
Even the heat in the square brick buildings
Would only warm my body, nothing else.
I’m alone in a world full of people,
Apart, shut up inside myself,
Cold, unfeeling, in a cold unfeeling world.
Even knowing our Saviour to be with us at all times does not seem to shelter us from loneliness.
I have no answers of how one should deal with loneliness. Many answers even if they sound good in theory – they often fail miserably when one’s loneliness is faced head on. All I know is that building walls, trying to protect ourselves from further hurt is not the solution. As for me I try to be a listening ear, a watching eye and a caring heart to anyone who needs friend to stand with them.
During my teenage years a deep desire for belonging was the main reason behind my obsessive depressive behaviour, my body image issues and my bouts of depression. I also remember elongating a relationship, even though my heart and mind knew that it was the right thing to end it, merely because I knew that she cared for me. One of the current struggles of my loneliness is put into words very well by Flannery O’Connor, “I have never been anywhere but sick. In a sense sickness is a place, more instructive than a long trip to Europe, and it is always a place where there is no company, where NOBODY can follow.”
But I have become aware that loneliness like love is very much a universal phenomenon. Indeed it often rears its head in the place we least expect it. It might affect people in different ways, but it seems not to discriminate with regards to age, wealth or status.
One thing about my childhood that I take some pride in is that I never really actively took part in the bullying of others (admittedly I often didn’t do much to stop it either). For there are so many children who fear going to school because of what awaits them there. At the other end of the spectrum, and especially in the West, there are so many elderly in old people’s homes who sit in chairs staring at the window in the hope that today might be the day that someone will come and visit them.
But it is not merely those at the ends of the lifecycle who cry for love and care. Indeed it seems to me that a large part of society is desperately crying for someone to love them. Loneliness is one of the major causes of suicide, and here again it does not seem to differentiate between one’s social stature. You hear of people who have dogs as their best, and sometimes only, friend. You see people rushing into marriage out of a desperate desire for a life partner.
Modern times seem to even aggravate the problem. The break-up of the family has led many to become like orphans. Chat rooms on the internet are full with many looking for some kind of companionship. And what of the social network sites, I see people claiming hundreds of friends, but not a single one of them knows them knows the corners of their heart.
What of the Christian community – they who call every second person they meet brother/sister. But how can this be, does my brother not know my aches and secrets? Listen to the words that a Wheaton (well respected Christian college)student left on a piece of paper after his class had ended,
Out in the cold I stand,
Looking on at the world sitting tight,
With its people in their nice little worlds,
And the friends who don’t even know me.
It really makes no difference to their world where I am.
If I'm there, it keeps going.
If I’m not, it goes on.
While I walk around, wandering, wondering,
My mind a mass of mixed-up machinery,
Clashing with conflicts and unanswered questions.
I don’t ask the world if it is real-
It sits up there on its foundations,
Secure, concrete, hard, stone and real.
But maybe I’m not real
Or if I am, maybe I shouldn’t be.
They answer, ‘Smile, God loves you’,
But I can’t smile.
I’m numbed by cold inside and out.
Even the heat in the square brick buildings
Would only warm my body, nothing else.
I’m alone in a world full of people,
Apart, shut up inside myself,
Cold, unfeeling, in a cold unfeeling world.
Even knowing our Saviour to be with us at all times does not seem to shelter us from loneliness.
I have no answers of how one should deal with loneliness. Many answers even if they sound good in theory – they often fail miserably when one’s loneliness is faced head on. All I know is that building walls, trying to protect ourselves from further hurt is not the solution. As for me I try to be a listening ear, a watching eye and a caring heart to anyone who needs friend to stand with them.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Some Visuals
The Batad Rice Terraces
See some parts in the hills look much like parts of North America
Rice Terraces a little closer to Banue
Ed Still looking for some real-estate?
See some parts in the hills look much like parts of North America
Rice Terraces a little closer to Banue
Ed Still looking for some real-estate?
Friday, January 2, 2009
December Part 2
We will start part 2 of with a picture that should have been added to a previous post, but somehow didn't attach. It is me in the chair Marcos declared martial law from.
5) CHRISTmas eve was spend in midnight mass - which I have to say is something I can see myself doing more frequently as I think it is a good way to start the day we remember our Lord’s birth. Sometimes when I wake up on CHRISTmas morning it seems like just any other morning. Aka messed up hair, plugged up sinuses, in dire need of a toothbrush and not really realizing what is going on for the first little while therefore starting it intentionally even the night before is something I can see great value in.
4)Had a new year’s lunch at the Lamigos as part of my personal retreat to spend some time pondering the ups and downs of the past year and to look ahead to the upcoming year. So often, and especially the past year, one thing just happens after the other and I spend very little time processing it. The past year was a very tough one for me and at the same time there have been some good blessings that have come along the way.
3)Please pray for my health and my spiritual wellbeing. Sometimes amidst the many blessings coming my way I might lose sight of the fact that my body does not work as well as that of most people, but reality is that I still possess a weak body. It made me miss a two-day training during the holidays which I would have loved to attend since it was with youth leaders. Sometimes it still gets me down and I think a good Spiritual basis will continue to help me through the rougher patches. So prayers will continue to be acceptedJ
2)In some very unexpected news, my mum got a letter in the mail from SOAS which stated that I had graduated for my Masters in Human Rights Law with merit. Anyone that knows a little of my struggles over the last year and the lack of time with which I was faced for the writing of my thesis during the summer will be able to understand both my surprise and my thankfulness.
1)There is an official date for Ed’s and Mum’s wedding: July 4th-2009. Needless to say, I am very very thankful and joyful for both of them and for all of us children, family and friends. Please if you are around Ontario during that time and feel moved by the spirit to come and enjoy the gift of marriage with us let me know.
Ps1 For some of you this is not optional. You better be there.
Ps2. I am not too sure how my mum feels about me extending invitations to everyoneJ - but I am sure you are more than welcome
Hope this finds you all having had a joyful and restful holiday season.
Let me start by introducing some people.
The guy on the right would still be me. The man in the middle is my Boss Mr. Lamigo. And for some of you the cool thing to know would be that the lady in between us is actually Huoy's mother.
The Lady on the left is Carol and she works with CRWRC. The lady on the right is Vylma and she works with CRWM and helped me with my Visa...so that I am actually legal to stay here.
The picture here is the modern day national hero Manny Pacquiao. I watched him whoop De la Hoya's buttocks together with Pow in one of the cinema's. Every cinema showed the fight it was pretty darn sweet.
One more picture already from the CHRISTmas trip. This is from a wedding that we attended. I loved how the whole community got to share in the wedding-although yeah I would probably file for bankruptcy before my wedding if I had to feed this many people.
December Part 1
Sorry for the long layoff in writing on the blog. As one who has always been opposed for “I was busy” as an excuse for anything longer than a week i’ll just say that I was taking in life and forgot. December came and went and although I am still quite tired at what is almost the end of my break, there have also been plenty reasons to be thankful.
Therefore here are December’s 10:
10)Happy new year to all of you...As I wrote to many already- I wish you all God’s blessings, strength, but above all his nearness in the upcoming years. For it is his nearness that gets us through harder times. It is his nearness that keeps us hopeful when we have a lack of answers to the pains and questions that trouble our hearts and minds. I hope that for all of you it may also be a year filled with unexpected turns and a return to childlike wonder at this amazing world. A return to the enjoyment of our babies we hold in our arms, the beauty of the nature around us and the magnificence of our bodies. And may 2009 be a year in which we once again see our Lord and saviour in the face of every person we meet, especially the ones that we are most likely to hate/dislike.
9) Before moving on to my personal experiences over the past month I want to ask for your prayers for the Middle East. I know it is not the region I am in right now and many of you might not here much about it besides all that is “wrong” with it. Having always been intrigued by the larger region and having studied specifically the Israel-Palestine situation the news of the past few days hurts me deeply.
Please pray for the Palestinian people in specifically. Because yes, Hamas is an active terrorist organization that few of us would feel at home with and sure I understand Israel’s response in wanting to protect its citizens. But my questions are these. Why is it only about Israel’s security? How many Palestinian citizens equal one Israeli? Do we even try to understand some of the anger that many Palestinians feel? Do we really think it came out of nowhere?
In the West bank, security controls, a wall, settlements, scarce access to water, destruction of their olive trees and other agricultural resources has left many Palestinians with very little hope on their side. Gaza, well one could argue it is even worse. Although, the settlements are now gone and there is no actual military presence there right now. Israel controls everything from who gets to enter the territory, to who gets to leave. To what gets to enter (food, medicine etc) to the electricity and energy supplies. Unemployment rates are sky high. Water is even scarcer. 1.5 million people on a small plot of land that in fact is as much occupied as it has ever been. I know Christians in the west historically support Israel blindly, but do some study on the history of the place. Try to see Palestinians as fellow children of our Lord. Try to look beyond your ideological presuppositions. And maybe just maybe you’ll be able to see a people who are suffering from injustice since the day they came out of the womb.
8)Work has been pretty good as we are planning ahead for the 2010 election there are many opportunities that come up regarding voter education and anti-corruption opportunities. I am enjoying the opportunity to learn more and more as time goes on. For January I am hoping to write some stories on Christians and churches that have come together and made a strong impact in the community. Also, on the schedule might be a follow-up trip to Bikol for the anti-corruption training.
7)For anyone who has been to the Philippines, they will know that anyone white is called Joe (thanks to Americans). Well I am fine with it for the most part as so much of it is in good spirit. However, lately for some odd reason I have been thinking about names I would give my children. I know for someone that is not married, doesn’t even have a girlfriend, who in any case would still need to discuss it and agree with an eventual life-partner, it seems like a rather uncommon practice. Either way I have already three girl names and one boy name, but also one boy’s name I really won’t choose...aka Joe.
6) For a week during the CHRISTmas holiday we went up North to the rice terraces which were absolutely gorgeous. For me it was a reminder that humanity can do good things with nature and that it does not always have to lead its abuse. Although the current tourist industry and construction in the area put that hopeful notion right back under scrutiny.
I hadnt downloaded my rice terraces pics yet so you all will have to do it with this for now:). Ps. More pics will be in part 2
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