For I know that the logic of some will say ‘oh since he is writing about loneliness, he must be lonely’ – let me start of by saying I am not lonely or at least I am currently not lonely. However, over the years I have experienced various periods at which loneliness ate away at the very core of my being. In addition, when I take a peek into the world around me I see that I am not alone in my loneliness. With time I have become more and more convinced that loneliness is the Great Silent Killer. That it is one of the greatest enemies of the soul.
During my teenage years a deep desire for belonging was the main reason behind my obsessive depressive behaviour, my body image issues and my bouts of depression. I also remember elongating a relationship, even though my heart and mind knew that it was the right thing to end it, merely because I knew that she cared for me. One of the current struggles of my loneliness is put into words very well by Flannery O’Connor, “I have never been anywhere but sick. In a sense sickness is a place, more instructive than a long trip to Europe, and it is always a place where there is no company, where NOBODY can follow.”
But I have become aware that loneliness like love is very much a universal phenomenon. Indeed it often rears its head in the place we least expect it. It might affect people in different ways, but it seems not to discriminate with regards to age, wealth or status.
One thing about my childhood that I take some pride in is that I never really actively took part in the bullying of others (admittedly I often didn’t do much to stop it either). For there are so many children who fear going to school because of what awaits them there. At the other end of the spectrum, and especially in the West, there are so many elderly in old people’s homes who sit in chairs staring at the window in the hope that today might be the day that someone will come and visit them.
But it is not merely those at the ends of the lifecycle who cry for love and care. Indeed it seems to me that a large part of society is desperately crying for someone to love them. Loneliness is one of the major causes of suicide, and here again it does not seem to differentiate between one’s social stature. You hear of people who have dogs as their best, and sometimes only, friend. You see people rushing into marriage out of a desperate desire for a life partner.
Modern times seem to even aggravate the problem. The break-up of the family has led many to become like orphans. Chat rooms on the internet are full with many looking for some kind of companionship. And what of the social network sites, I see people claiming hundreds of friends, but not a single one of them knows them knows the corners of their heart.
What of the Christian community – they who call every second person they meet brother/sister. But how can this be, does my brother not know my aches and secrets? Listen to the words that a Wheaton (well respected Christian college)student left on a piece of paper after his class had ended,
Out in the cold I stand,
Looking on at the world sitting tight,
With its people in their nice little worlds,
And the friends who don’t even know me.
It really makes no difference to their world where I am.
If I'm there, it keeps going.
If I’m not, it goes on.
While I walk around, wandering, wondering,
My mind a mass of mixed-up machinery,
Clashing with conflicts and unanswered questions.
I don’t ask the world if it is real-
It sits up there on its foundations,
Secure, concrete, hard, stone and real.
But maybe I’m not real
Or if I am, maybe I shouldn’t be.
They answer, ‘Smile, God loves you’,
But I can’t smile.
I’m numbed by cold inside and out.
Even the heat in the square brick buildings
Would only warm my body, nothing else.
I’m alone in a world full of people,
Apart, shut up inside myself,
Cold, unfeeling, in a cold unfeeling world.
Even knowing our Saviour to be with us at all times does not seem to shelter us from loneliness.
I have no answers of how one should deal with loneliness. Many answers even if they sound good in theory – they often fail miserably when one’s loneliness is faced head on. All I know is that building walls, trying to protect ourselves from further hurt is not the solution. As for me I try to be a listening ear, a watching eye and a caring heart to anyone who needs friend to stand with them.
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5 comments:
This guy, very meaningful words. I believe its a struggle that most people go through but few will ever admit. Honestly i always wrote it off as being human, never being completely satisfied on earth. But what if its as simple as people being plugged into honest full-filling relationships. That would mean we would actually have to live like we're not the self centered individuals that we truly are.
Hey Jeff, I know you sent an email out about this and read it right away but didn't respond. (My apologies.) Anyway thanks for your honest reflection and thoughts. We've talked about loneliness before (ie this last year for both of us) and, yeah I agree that it really does have a dehumanizing effect that has the power to eat away at the core of the being, like you said. H said that being plugged into honest fulfilling relationships could be it. Yeah, I agree that humans need each other and we need to be in authentic relationships with one another (community, if you like) but I've found and reflected about over the years that sometimes this is sought as such the end-all solution to our loneliness (ie Calvin & Christianity using buzzwords like community until it makes you want to vomit), but still you/we can feel so incredibly lonely despite being in the midst of tight loving friends, community, and relationships. Yes, an easy answer would be to say that our loneliness is that little voice (or maybe screaming voice, what have you) telling us to cling to God letting God filling these voids. I think this does play a role in helping us examine ourselves in relation to God. I also believe that loneliness can be present regardless of how right and true one's relationship with God might be. Perhaps this is something that each person has to work through on their own at some point(s) in their lives for some bizarre reason and even embrace the pain that is part of the human experience. (Don't really have more cohesive thoughts about this. I think about Grace's blogs & Wolterstorff, though.)
That Wheaton College student was actually a she, not a he, and I know because I was that student. The struggle is genderless, though, and so common that I think it's the reason the poem has struck a chord with so many. I don't know what your source was (Ravi Zacharias? I Believe in Evangelism?) but both sources were informed years ago. I'm glad you and so many others have found it meaningful.
One more thing: now that you know who the author is, would you please contact me at hannacabana@gmail.com? Thanks.
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