Because of the e-mails I have received in reply to my reflection, the issue of loneliness has not yet left my mind. I might have to clarify, although I thought I was pretty clear, that I don't struggle with the issue as much right now. I am not saying that it won't pop-up again in the future since past demons always have a way of haunting you down. But as off now, outside of the health struggle i mentioned I do not really struggle with it very much.
Now this does not mean I don't miss people. I do miss people, however, I am very thankful for the place I find myself right now and very thankful for the people that I have around me here. I am in Metro Manila so I darn better live in Metro Manila and not in Canada, Holland, India, UK, US or any other place. Sure my mind strays back to each one of those places regularly and fond memories come up frequently. But, if I spend all my time thinking, remembering times that were, I believe I am taking very scare opportunity of that which I have been given now. I believe it is possible to miss certain things and at the same time be very thankful for where I am and what I have right now.
Besides the obvious close friends and family, and at this very moment a strong craving for my mum's home-baked pizza, there are two other things i miss that come to my mind.
One thing that I miss and one of the reasons why I am thankful that I am here longer then a few months is that I miss the ability to have conversations with close friends and family that I know for longer than 4 months. As someone who has moved around a lot off late this is one of the hardest parts. Not the making of new friends or adjusting to different cultural changes, but the fact that when you have conversations even with people that are close to you, there is very little shared background. There is a need to explain many things. I don't have to tell my brothers how my teenage years were. I don't have to give an explanation to my college roomies when I am grumpy when I am not feeling well. I guess the solution is to work on that shared memory bank right now so that in the future more will be known.
The second thing, and this one only became apparent to me after reading something by the great Henri Nouwen, is the lack of touch. Being here, I know that I have to be pretty careful in who and how I touch other persons. Therefore, in many ways you avoid anyting that might be taken the wrong way. This has made me come to realize that I am a very 'touchy' person. The leaning on guys when we are fooling around, the comforting someone after bad news, the strong hug you give a dear friend. There are studies out there that show that baby's when they are put in a crib automatically role to the side out of need for touch - I would not be surprised if there is some truth to that. Nouwen says that we all long to touch and be touched, but after we move out of childhood we loose the foolishness to admit it.
But, I want to get back and finish with the reason why i wrote this piece. The reason why I think that I to a large extent experience a lot less of loneliness now then I used to. I think the change came not when I decided that I didn't care anymore what others thought of me. But at the moment it became clear to me that living a life of pretension: of being a better, a more perfect person than I am, was too high a price (included in here among many other things is loneliness) to pay for whatever negativity might otherwise come my way.
For I do care what other people think of me and my actions and believe that we should do so. Sure, people whose main goal is to cut you down should probably not be given much of your attention or energy. But those who give sincere comments on your actions/thoughts, especially if not complimentary, are some of the most treasured people one could ever meet. To my stark surprise at the time, opening up my dark chambers did not lead to much negativity. Indeed the opposite happened, I felt a stronger more sincere love then I had ever felt. These people now knew my aches and the fact that I am an ass at times and they still loved me. I think it has helped me to reconcile with myself while leading to friendships that are strong enough to overcome any physical distance as well as many of the loneliness feelings i might have.
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3 comments:
so i think i know how you feel about the loneliness...i've not moved around as much as you probably, but being a much more introvert than you are, i tire of needing meet new people (and the explaining again and again of your b/g) without any already-known ones around...and it encourages me to see how you view things--the living life right now where you are instead of letting your mind stray too far.
cheers dude...all kinds of people heart you :P in good ways you know...
In response to the first paragraph, I'm not sure what people sent you in their emails and not sure who had experienced this either. It seems to me that this ache of loneliness can only be truly understood if one has experienced it in their own lives. I think people can be authentically sympathetic and listen (yes, we all need this) but perhaps not know how deep this can go unless you've been there.
Is it ok for me to say that it seems like this post was written as a response (or even a defense) for your reflection before? I liked your post before and sorry if you felt like you had to back the post up with "No, I don't feel so lonely now, peoples! Back off!" (No, I know you wouldn't have said it like that.)
At one point, I thought being lonely referred to not having friends and to call yourself lonely was stigmatized. (No, that's not it, peoples.) No this loneliness refers to something much deeper (and it is ok to talk about too!)
To continue with my rambling thoughts: I'm glad you mentioned Nouwen. Yay, Nouwen...some of his thoughts on loneliness, human interconnectedness are so great and have given me insight as well.
update? soon please.
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